Standing Still

Time is a strange thing lately.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed day after day as I’ve been trying to conquer this massive to-do-list that comes with the adoption process. It’s hard to focus. There’s a huge list that I can’t seem to get out of my mind no matter how hard I try to focus on just “one thing at a time”. So many forms, applications, papers, payments,…

I finally feel like I’ve reached a good place today. I think I got through most of what I’ve been putting off for the past week or so. It’s been exhausting. All this while trying to remember that there are still others, friends and family, that also have their many problems and prayer requests that I must not forget about. I struggle not to fall into my own self-absorbed bubble. The temptation is definitely there.

Fingerprints were taken last week, physicals are set for this week, and our very first meeting with our social worker is set for this Saturday afternoon. It feels like it’s finally beginning. So despite the whirlwind of feeling like there’s entirely too much to do in far too little time, I also find myself feeling like time is standing still.

It has now been 19 days since me and Adam decided to take the plunge into beginning our adoption. Yet it feels like I’ve been waiting forever already. I’ve felt like things should have been moving much more quickly. There have been days that I have cried from missing the children that I don’t have yet. I want them here now. I want to hold and kiss them now.

I miss them, and yet I don’t even know their names or their faces.

Yet I know they’re mine. I know that God knows who and just where they are right now. I miss them in faith, knowing that they will be with me soon. I love them already. My heart hurts, and it will continue to hurt until I see them.

I am a mother. I was chosen for this. I cannot explain my heart, but can any mother?

I have been through a roller-coaster of emotions over this adoption. There have been days where I felt beaten down and discouraged, weighed down by the doubts of others. Today I feel renewed. I refuse to lose sight of what I know the Lord has called me to simply due to the opinions of others. I must stand upon what I know is true for me. I stand before God broken and weak. I cannot do this on my own. I have wondered if I can even do this at all. Yet I know that what God calls me to, He will give me the strength to do it.

I’m tired of feeling the weight of others’ fears, doubts, failures. I refuse to live my life in the shadow of another. For is there not a cause? Are these not real children with real needs? It seems like all I hear about is what’s best for me and Adam, yet no one has yet to bring up the children. Is this not the same spirit of abortion? Putting the mother before her child. Lord, help us. Open our eyes. Give us the ability to lay our lives down for another.

“For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified.– 1 Corinthians 2:2

Amen.

~ Jennifer

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One response to “Standing Still

  1. Jennifer. You ARE expressing the heart of a mother! May God give you many little children to love like that.

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