I can’t believe it’s already been a month, to the day, that we accepted our 2nd child referral. Just like in many times past in our adoption process, we felt this would finally trigger everything into motion. Yet, once again, as this process loves to do, we find ourselves sitting, helpless.
Time has seemed to stand still in a way.
No progress made. No new news. We’re even still waiting to receive our 2nd child’s social in order to move forward with the court document preparations, step 1 of many in this final stretch before we’re able to actually bring them home.
Meanwhile, baby-showers are planned, invites are out, cribs are purchased and baby rooms are nearly finished. Yet we still feel like we’ve barely started moving. Our hearts far ahead of the legal process that separates us from our children.
Are we planning for nothing? Is all of this in vain? Will it even work out?
As our friends and family begin to come around us with their wonderful support and begin to plan with us, it is both bitter and sweet. I want to leap forward; I want to prepare with no hesitation; I want to know for certain of when they’ll be coming home. Yet when left alone with my fears and doubts, I wonder if I will be made the fool out of all of this.
It’s hard to stay strong all the time. Strong for my husband, whose fears are voiced like an echo of my own. I feel if I give way to them, the whole house may fall. I’m left with trying to hold up the walls, arms trembling from the weight, but a determination that only a mother can know.
I don’t care how one becomes a mother, whether through child-birth or through caring for the orphan, a calling is a calling. Period. And once one’s heart is awakened to it, there is no going back.
Oh Lord, when will this road end? I know your leadership is perfect, yet my flesh wants to scream against it, “I want things my way.” I know all of this has a purpose. I put my life in your hands. Once again, I choose to pick up my cross and follow you. Whatever that looks like. Lead me in your strength.